Death is one of the most difficult topics that parents have to speak with the child. What to do when one of the family members died? To whom and how best to inform the child about this? Whether to take it with you to a funeral and for a wake? Says psychologist Marina Travkova.
If one of the family members died, then the child should tell the truth. As life shows, all options like “Dad went on a business trip for six months” or “Grandma has yet moved to another city” may have negative consequences.
Firstly, the child simply will not believe or decide that you are not talking. Because he sees that something is wrong, that something happened in the house: for some reason people cry, mirrors are curtained, you can’t laugh loudly.
Children’s fantasy is rich, and the fears of the child created by it are quite real. The child will decide that either himself or someone in the family is facing something terrible. Real grief is clearer and easier than all the horrors that a child can be picked up by.
Secondly, the child will still tell the truth the “good” uncle-Taty, other children or compassionate grandmothers in the yard. And it is still unknown in what form. And then the feeling that his native people lied to him will be added to grief.
Who is better to say?
The first condition: a person’s own to a child, the closest of all the remaining;The one who lived and will continue to live with the child;who knows him well.
The second condition: the one who will speak must control himself in order to speak calmly, not to break into hysteria or uncontrollable tears (those tears that are stuffing to eyes are not a hindrance). He will have to finish to the end and still stay with the child, while he is aware of the bitter news.
To fulfill this task, choose the time and place when you are in the resource state, and do not do this, removing the tension with alcohol. You can use light natural sedatives, for example, valerian.
It seems to them that they will inflict a wound to the child, cause pain. Another fear – that the reaction that the news will cause will be unpredictable and terrible. For example, a scream or tears with which an adult will not know how to cope. All this is wrong.
Alas, what happened happened. The blow was struck by fate, not a messenger. The child will not blame the one who tells him about what happened: even young children distinguish the event and the one who talks about him. As a rule, children are grateful to the one who brought them out of the unknown and provided support in a difficult moment.
Acute reactions are extremely rare, since the realization that something irreversible happened, pain and longing come later, when the deceased begins to lack in everyday life. The first reaction is, as a rule, amazement and attempts to imagine how it is: “died” or “died” ..
When and how to say about death
It is better not to delay. Sometimes you have to take a short pause, because the informer must calm down a little. But speak all the same as quickly after the event as you can. The longer the child remains in the feeling that something bad and incomprehensible happened that he was alone with this unknown danger, the worse for him.
Choose the time when the child is not overwork: when he got enough sleep, ate and does not feel physical discomfort. When the situation is as calm as possible in these circumstances.
Do this where you will not be interrupted and you will not interfere with you where you can calmly talk. Do this in the usual and safe place for the child (for example, at home), so that later he has the opportunity to be alone or use the usual and favorite things.
Hug a small child or kneel. A teenager can be acquired by the shoulders or take the hand. The main thing is that this contact is not unpleasant for the child, and so that he is not something out of the ordinary. If your family is not customary to hug, then it is better not to do anything unusual in this situation.
It is important that at the same time he sees and listen to you, and does not look at the TV or window with one eye. Establish the eye
of the eye in the eye. Speak briefly and just.
Moreover, the main information in your message should be duplicated. “Mom died, she is no longer” or “Grandfather was sick, and the doctors could not help. He died”. Do not say “left”, “fell asleep forever”, “left” – these are all euphemisms, metaphors that the child is not very clear.
After that, pause. No need to say anymore. Everything that the child will still need to find out, he will ask himself.
That children can ask?
Small children may be interested in technical details. Bury or do not bury? And his worms will eat? And then he will suddenly ask: “And on my birthday he will come?”Or:” Died? Where is he now?”
No matter how strange the child does, do not be surprised, do not be indignant and do not consider that these are signs of disrespect. It is difficult for a small child to immediately understand what death is. Therefore, he “puts in his head” that it is. Sometimes it turns out pretty bizarre.
To the question: “Died is like? And now he?»You can respond in accordance with your own ideas about life after death. But in no case do not scare. Do not say that death is in punishment for sins, and avoid the explanation that it is “how to fall asleep and did not wake up”: the child may begin to be afraid to sleep or guard other adults so that they do not sleep.
Children, as a rule, ask with anxiety: “And you will die too?”Answer honestly that yes, but not now and not soon, and then,” when you will be big and big, when you have many more people who will love you and whom you will love … “.
Pay the child’s attention that he has relatives, friends, that he is not alone, that he loves many people besides you. Say that with age such people will become even more. For example, he will have a loved one, his own children.
The first days after loss
After you said the main thing – just silently stay next to him. Give your child time to perceive the heard and react. In the future, act in accordance with the reaction of the child:
- If he reacted to the message with questions, then answer them directly and sincerely, no matter how strange or inappropriate to you these questions.
- If he sat down to play or draw, slowly join and play or draw with him. Do not offer anything, play, act according to his rules, as he needs.
- If he cried, hug him or take him by the hand. If it pushes away, say “I am near” and sit next to him, without saying anything and do nothing. Then slowly start the conversation. Say sympathetic words. Tell us about what will happen in the near future – today and in the coming days.
- If he runs away, do not follow him right away. Look at what he is busy, after a short time, after 20-30 minutes. Whatever he does, try to determine if he wants your presence. People have the right to grief alone, even very small. But this should be checked.
Do not try to do something exceptional for the child: for example, to give chocolate that he is usually prohibited, or to prepare something that is usually eaten in the family for holidays. Let the food be ordinary and one more – the one that the child will eat. For proceedings about “tasteless, but useful” neither you nor he has the strength on this day.
Sit with him longer before going to bed or, if necessary, until it falls asleep. Allow me to leave the light on if it is afraid. If the child is scared and he asks for you in the bed, on the first night you can take him to your place, but do not offer it yourself and try not to introduce it into a habit: it is better to sit next to him until he falls asleep.
Tell him what life will be further: what will happen tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, in a week, in a month. Fame calms down. Build plans and fulfill them.
Participation in commemoration and funeral
It is only worth taking the child for funerals and wake if there is a person who trusts him and who can do only him: to take it away: to take it away, if he crys.
Anyone who can calmly explain to the child what is happening and protect (if necessary) from too persistent condolences. If “oh you are an orphan” or “how are you now” – this is nothing to do not do with anything.
In addition, you must be sure that the funeral (or commemoration) will be held in a moderate atmosphere-someone can scare someone to a hysteria.
It is quite possible to ask a child how he would like to say goodbye: go to the funeral, or maybe it is better for him to go to the grave with you later?
If you consider that it is better for the child to not attend the funeral and want to send him to another place, for example, to relatives, then tell him where he will go, why, who will be there with him and when you take him. For example: “Tomorrow you will stay with your grandmother, because there will come to us a lot of different people, they will cry, and this is hard. I’ll come for you at 8 o’clock “.
Of course, the people who have a child should be “their own” as possible: those acquaintances or relatives, to whom the child and so often go to visit and familiar with their daily routine. Agree also that they treat the child “as always”, that is, do not spare, do not cry over him.
The deceased member of the family performed some functions in relation to the child. Maybe he bathed or took it from kindergarten, or maybe he was a fairy tale before going to bed. Do not try to replace the deceased and return the child all the lost pleasant classes. But try to preserve especially important, then the lack of which will be especially tangible.
Most likely, at these very moments, longing for the departed will be more acute than the usual. Therefore, take tolerance to irritability, cry, anger. To the fact that the child is dissatisfied with how you do this, to the fact that the child wants to be alone and will avoid you.